Dance with my Father

For the past few days I was thinking about my father who passed away on June 5th, 1984 (34 years ago). I was browsing a website “Hello Grief” and it gave some instances of  “Firsts , Flash Back moments, Stinging Moments , Empty chair moments, Not supposed to times, Stand in moments and obscure moments”. I decided to list out those moments which I had and the ones I wished  I had with my father:

Firsts  – First Day of my school and job; first time I rode a bike and drove a car; first time I left abroad. I wished his presence for all these firsts and many more in my life.

Flash Back moments  – The moments when I go to hospital , I take a look at that floor where he was hospitalised. I recollected the way he would run to fit in the frame to capture a group picture with our Kodak Camera (or was it Yashika?)

Stinging Moments – Last Sunday morning I saw a dad and son riding a bicycle. Just after the son passed by, the bottle from the carrier fell down. I picked it up and gave it to the dad and he thanked me smilingly. I could see the joy in the son’s face. I was running continuously and then I saw how the Dad was constantly looking behind and seeing his son. In a flash, his son took a detour. Dad immediately stopped the cycle and then figured out. As I ran past them I overheared  what he said, “Do not take that path , as it has lot of potholes”. Dad guided him continuosly till they finished the round.

In moments like these, between Dad and Sons,  I think about him and wonder what he would have guided me now when I get lost.

Empty chair moments – I was only 10 years old. I still recollect his words of wisdom when I was not willing to accompany my mother to a place. He sat me down in the verandah and gave me those famous words which became the foundation  of my life “You will realize the value of love not in its presence but in its absence.” I made it a point to accompany her since that day.

Not supposed to times – This was a tough one, I had to go to the same place where his final rites were done twice after he left. The most difficult one being last year.

Stand in moments – My sister’s marriage , our graduation , my marriage , taking care of mother , telling grandchildren jokes and explaining things to them using his wisdom.

Obscure moments – When I was riding the bicycle which he had gifted me and when I was watching the Los Angeles Olympics in 1984, a few months after he passed away. Both times I wished he was there with us.

Today I dedicate this song ( I had a paper cutting of this song long back) to my Dad whom we as a family miss a lot…..

Dance With My Father – By Luther Vandross 

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence

If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mama cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I’m praying for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved?
I know You don’t do it usually
But, dear Lord, she’s dying
To dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream